Are you a Happy Lexophile?

A Lexophile is a lover of words - puns, cliches, idioms, etc.

Here is a little fun with words that I found.

A bicycle cannot stand-alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

If you yell through the screen window, you'll strain your voice.

A rubber band was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A cabbage and carrot rolled down a hill. The cabbage won because it was a head.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

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Do you know any one-line jokes like this?